Raise your hand if you ever felt like you didn’t fit in?
Okay, now keep your hands up if you feel like you still don’t know where you fit in?
If you’ve been playing along, then maybe (or maybe not) you’ll find your arm raised. Either way, I believe that we can all take away something by bringing this into conversation. Well, for one, I will tell you what this is NOT going to be. I am not going to spread or cast judgement and neither will I condemn. It is not my place and neither is it, truly, my business to play a role that I am not fit to play (which is Jesus…I am not Jesus). This, however, is going to be an open conversation of what I have gone through in my life in terms of homosexuality, extrovertism or introvertism, physical expression, sexual expression, and so on as I navigated who I am in this world. While I am not perfect I do want to share with you what I have learnt in the journey of self-discovery and the subtotal of going through this by trial and error.
Early Innocence: My First Crush
When I was about 10 years old, I got myself a boyfriend. He was cute with dreads and he was a sweetheart. My friends begged me to date him while I was still trying to make up my mind. My whole thing was, why should I date him? What would constitute me “dating” him? What would that even LOOK like? My sister, if she knew, would have called me fast and hot in the you know what but I was curious. Never had a guy shown interest in me before in this manner and I, to be honest, I was flattered. Even though my friends were annoying me for this guy, I felt like giving him a chance. Hahahhaha, looking back at it, I do wonder if my friends HADN’T begged, would I still have dated him? Honestly, probably not. In my mind, I was too young.
Anyways, when I began to date him, I felt…uncomfortable? I didn’t know what to say to him and I didn’t know what it meant to be a girlfriend at the time. What the HECK do I do for real? Where do I even start? Do I just say hello? As thoughts began to jumble up in my mind, I further and further distanced myself from my now so called “boyfriend”. I didn’t talk to him and neither did he talk to me. Maybe he was nervous. I sure was. And so that was how it played out for months. Us both avoiding each other on the playground and me simultaneously feeling a bit…jostled by how we weren’t spending as much time together. But hey? At least we had each other right? :p
When I Lost Him…
When I “lost” him, I found out, also, through a friend of mine. She caught me on the bus and was all like “Do you still date so and so?” Of course, I proudly rose my head and was like “Yes, I am”. My friend paused. In her face, you could tell the trepidation and unease. She said “Really? That’s not what I heard from So and so? I heard he is dating someone else now.” My heart, my little heart, I didn’t know how to carry the feelings of heartbreak. Or maybe it really wasn’t heart break but rather disappointment. I trailed after her sentence with my damning one. “Oh well…I guess we aren’t dating anymore.” coupled with a shrug and a slight shake of the head. She was like “…alright…” and we left it like that.
As time went on, I heard even MORE information about this new girlfriend of my ex and how she was everything that I was not. She was more voluptuous and was in the same class as my ex. She was one of the popular pretty girls while I mainly was the friendly, shy but sociable one. She had a reputation of sleeping with guys around our ages and older while I was still a virgin and planned to remain that way until marriage. Everything I was not.
When I was 18…
When I was 18 years old, I had a crush on a boy that I thought was lowkey insane. He was very very attractive, could speak Spanish, would pull my chair towards him, and would stare at me from across the room. To say I was a little intrigued was an understatement. I would often imagine what our lives would look like years out if I DID decide to date him. But alas, it didn’t happen. And I moved on from my life.
When I was 21…
At the age of 21, I ended up falling in love. It was with a man that I never truly expected and neither did I think my heart could even do such a thing after being single for so long. I thought my heart betrayed me. I was so mad I even cussed myself out to my own therapist as he held in a laugh and consoled me. Good times lol.
When Curiosity Met Faith
Why am I telling you this? To speak on what I have been trying to lead up to…my sexual expression. When I fell in love at 21, I was SCARED of my own sexuality. I was scared to listen to sensual music, afraid to love a man, afraid to want anything sexual with him, afraid of what wanting him sexually meant towards my own salvation. To say I was nervous was an understatement. I felt a mixture of emotions but one thing that I always did was I always brought it back towards my faith. My faith in God, my faith in myself, my faith of waiting until marriage, and so on.
So let’s talk about it, sex. We are all grown right? Or at least, you are within the realms of growing into becoming an adult. When I was younger, who instilled into me that sex was bad was my mother and sister who are both very strong believers themselves. They were the ones to tell me that I was meant to wait for marriage to be able to have sex and that if I DO have sex that I can open myself up to a world of diseases and pregnancy and they will not be supportive of me and me pregnancy. Being at the age I was, just a mere 7 – 10 years old, I wanted the approval of my family and I wanted to be safe. So I denied myself my sexuality for many many years after that.
A Word to My Girlies
Sex, though, is not a scary thing. God created it for us to enjoy with our spouses and/or significant others. He did not create it for us to hate ourselves or to be scared of the very thing he gave as a gift. Your sexuality is a gift. Your womanhood is a gift. Your desire for a relationship and for sex is, yes, a GIFT. I had to learn this the hard way but you do not need to. Know that you, as a woman, are beautifully and wonderfully made. You are beautiful. Every part of you was hand crafted.
I’ll tell you a secret. Once you embrace the you that you are afraid of, you are more likely to love the skin that you are in. Wear the lingerie, listen to that sexy song, read up on sex. These are all very healthy and a good thing for a woman to do as she grows into herself and her sexuality.
Another thing that I would like to address is about having sex before marriage. I believe that that is between you and God, or whatever power you believe in including yourself. This is not something that should be done lightly as there is a plethora of things that can go wrong as you have sex and I WILL NOT shame you for exploring or wanting to explore. The goal here is to get you to see that sex is not scary and your innate want for it is not a damning thing neither.
Explore the world. Fall in love. Be safe. Don’t overthink but enjoy every second of your life and your young adulthood. As they all say, you only live once so try to live life the very best that you can. Whether that means waiting until marriage or experiencing sex to know what you are in for, whatever it may be, experience it well.
Reconciling faith and flesh isn’t about choosing one over the other — it’s about realizing God made both. He called your body good and your spirit holy. You don’t need to hide either to be loved by him.
As for now, my lovelies, I’ll depart from you. But think of what I just said. Also, if you would like to learn more from me or hear more from me then don’t forget to subscribe to my newsletter. In there you will find more goodies on healing, self care, self love, and growth.
With love,
